Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Usurpers

When it comes to seating arrangements in classes, I rather prefer things to be consistent; if there isn't a set seating chart, then wherever I sit on the first day of class is usually where I sit for the rest of the semester, term, year or what have you. It's a psychological thing; I tend to think better when I stay in the same place every day. Most people respect this, in fact, most people I know are the same way, so it works out and everybody is happy.
In my Biology class, my roomie Beth and I sit in the back on the left side of the room. That is where we have sat since the first day of class and so our unspoken claim has been laid on those spots. This remained unchallenged for a while, until one day we walked in to class to find that three of our classmates -- a boy and two girls -- had unscrupulously taken up residence in our seats. Completely disoriented, we were forced to take seats on the other side of the room. This was not an innocent occurrence either; as soon as we walked in, they met our surprised and slightly affronted expressions with looks of purest hatred, which only intensified the next time we got to class before them and took our proper seats. From then on it has been war; these usurpers exercise every opportunity they get to take what is rightfully ours and upset the balance. It has reached the point where both Beth and I are completely paranoid and race to be there first in order to stake claim on our territory. And heaven help us if we don't, because every time they win, they give us the same glares which speak of nothing but the deepest loathing. I really kinda wish I knew what we did to them, because I'm not kidding about the glares... If looks could kill...
This is really one of those things everybody take for granted until the balance is thrown off. There are certain unspoken rules that should never be broken, and classroom territorial claims are definitely among the things that should not be disregarded. If you want to get by in academia you follow the rules, or forever have your peers wishing you a slow and painful death. Students are territorial.
Don't be a usurper.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Positively Sinful

Now, anybody who is part of any Christian religion and has read the Bible knows that it tells us that it's probably a good idea not to sin. Sinning is always bad, just ask Sodom and Gomorrah... Oh, wait! You can't. They done got smote. Case in point.
Anyway, we've always been told not to sin, but how can you not do something unless you know what it entails? Isn't there some sort of visual aid that can show us what sinning is so that we can avoid doing it? We got nothing to go on!
Have no fear. While perusing a children's book about Jonah and the Whale, I found this depiction of the sinful city of Ninevah, doing what sinful cities do best: sinning.
This is quite possibly the best picture I've ever seen, and definitely the best depiction ever of sin in its natural habitat.
Click on the picture to enlarge it. I promise you, it's worth it. Your eternal soul is in the balance here!

So yes... This is what sinning looks like. Don't do it.

Be thankful. I have just saved you from sinking into the black abyss of sin by taking part in such depraved activities as:
drinking from jeweled cups,

grinning fiendishly,

hitting donkeys with a stick,

having breasts,

cheering out of windows,

wearing magenta,

looking slyly over your shoulder,

holding raves,

or any number of other unspeakable acts that are taking place in this cesspool of licentiousness and degradation.

Thank heavens for illustrated bible stories, that's all I can say. Otherwise we might have found ourselves on the receiving end of a good smiting.

Edit: Okay, I wasn't going to include this, but every time I see the picture it gets harder to overlook. Judging by the looks on the faces of the guy in magenta and the one behind him, there is almost definitely some sodomy going on... There, I said it. Elephant's out of the room.
I'm not going to say anything else, lest it be in horrible taste.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Well, this is a bit embarrassing

So, my pal Grosland's mom, Robin, got tagged in some "Most Prolific Blogger Award" challenge, the rules to which are as follows :

1. Every winner of the Prolific Blogger Award has to pass on this award to at least seven other deserving prolific bloggers.
2. Each Prolific Blogger must link to the blog from which he/she has received the award (see above).
3. Every Prolific Blogger must link back to this post, which explains the origins and motivation for the award.
4. Every Prolific Blogger must visit this post and add his/her name in the Mr. Linky, so that we can get to know the other winners.

So yes, she got tagged, and in turn tagged me. I felt quite honored to be chosen and to hear my blog described as "Irreverant [...] with a bit of snarkiness," and my day was most definitely made. Unfortunately, this left me with the challenge of actually having to tag others... This would not be a problem, except for the fact that I do not follow enough blogs to fill this list in the first place, not to mention after you subtract the blogs that Robin already tagged in hers. I'm pretty lame, to say the least. I felt bad though, so I figured there must be SOME way for me to do this. So, I've decided that, since I am a loser who has no friends, I will instead make a list of my favorite blog-esque things on the internet that I think that everyone should know about.

1. The Sneeze - This guy amuses me to no end. He has some of the most hilarious insights, which, incidentally, is where I draw some of my own from. He writes about his kids a lot, but he does it in such a way that is so incredibly entertaining that it works. I particularly like the segment he does entitled "Steve, don't eat it." where he consumes the absolute worst things he can find at the supermarket (or occasionally growing in his yard.) Definitely worth a read.

2. The Oatmeal - This is an illustrated blog, with some comics and random quizzes thrown in. The drawings add so much to this guys already bizarre sense of humor that it is nothing short of hilarious. My favorite is when he gives lessons on grammar, which are effective even while sounding completely ridiculous (example: "When dinosaurs agree on something, they'll often high-five; dinosaurs are all about high-fives." - How to use a Semicolon.) Very entertaining.

3.Cleolinda - Does a lot of things having to do with movies, and her writing is very entertaining. Her Movies in Fifteen Minutes are hilarious.

4. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog - I realize this is cheating, but this is a work of such epic amazingness that I simply had to include it. Anyway, it says "blog" in the title, so it works. This is a forty minute (give or take) internet musical by Joss Whedon about what it takes to be a supervillain. It also has Neil Patrick FREAKING Harris in it. If that's not a good reason to watch it, I don't know what is. Also, I urge you to check out the AWESOME fan-made prequel, Horrible Turn. Not an official work, but still utterly amazing.

5. - A celebration of human stupidity. Prime examples of why some people should not be let out of the house. It will have you simultaneously chuckling and slapping your hand to your face with great frequency.

6. Stuff White People Like - A satirical guide to understanding and associating with white people by knowing the types of things they like and why (things such as hummus, Vespas, and pretending to enjoy classical music.) it should at least be able to extract a smile and a nod out of you.

7. Lackadaisy - This isn't even remotely close to being a blog, but this girl is fantastic, so she deserves to be recognized. Her comic, Lackadaisy, is a quirky, beautifully drawn and told story about a 1920's speakeasy and the people who make it work. Though her characters are all represented as cats, it is pulled off fantastically well, and they are all fun and lovable characters. If you have time, I strongly urge you to give Lackadaisy a read

Alrighty, that's it. These are the places where I most frequently get distracted from doing important things, in case you were curious. I think that for now I can consider myself safe, cause at least I tried, even though I am incredibly lame.

New stuff coming soon, I promise.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Further research has uncovered --

I know I'm kind of beating a dead horse, but after my post yesterday about the Twilight graphic novel in addition to my recent sighting of this heinous atrocity at the local Wal Mart, I decided to take a look into what other sort of horrible things are being marketed to Twilight fans....
and boy did I hit the jackpot. Here are just a few delights that I found:

My Mommy is a Bella... really? What... is that even supposed to mean?

Y'know... cause who DOESN'T want Edward on their socks? I mean, really!

This is supposedly a replica of Bella's wedding ring... I don't know about all of you, but I think this mess is hideous, and if any dude tried to get it to slide with me, I'd send him packing. I don't care how sparkly he is.

Wait... what??? Let me get this straight... you ACTUALLY made a silhouette of Edward to put on your wall so that in the dark of the night you can feel like he's actually standing there watching you sleep... D:

And Edward shower curtain. No, really.


Whoever is responsible for this should be put to death immediately.
If I were given the chance to go back in time and prevent one thing from happening, this would be pretty high on the list of candidates. What's even worse is what's on the INSIDE... I'm not even going to go into that. Instead I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

Of course, these are the tame ones, there were a lot of other horrible things that I'm not even going to show here (the tamest of which being a FELT REPLICA OF BELLA'S UTERUS with her demon fetus inside) but I assure you, there is fuel enough to power my nightmares for a LONG time.
here is a list I found of the top thirty most disturbing Twilight products if you're feeling brave, but consider yourself warned... a few of these things are absolutely NSFW (Not Safe for Work)
I am never recovering from some of this. Ever.

Sweet mercy, I need to go take a shower now... but I seem to have developed a spontaneous, crippling fear of shower curtains.

Warning: This post contains graphic images of FAIL

Sorry, folks, this is another one of those two-post days... I would be more regular so I wouldn't have to, but some days I just have more homework than others... and it just so happens that today I'm supposed to be writing a research paper, so there you have it.

Anyway, I saw something in the bookstore today... I did a huge double-take, and I would have picked it up and opened it to see for myself if it was real, but there were people watching.
This is what I saw:

Twilight the Graphic Novel.

This is unacceptable.
To whoever let this happen: That was not very nice. Go tell graphic novels that you're sorry and then go sit in the corner.

Just Say No

I wasn't going to say anything about this, but I've seen far too much of it to keep quiet anymore... I'm doing this for the good of humanity.

Here at my university, there is a rule that says that all men must be clean shaven (I've checked the rules thoroughly, and it definitely only says men, so I could show up to class with a full beard if I so pleased and nobody could do anything about it, but I digress.) Of course the one exception to this rule is that they are allowed to keep, and I quote, "a neatly trimmed mustache." Now, friends, there is a bit of tricky wording in the text of the honor code; it says "IF a mustache is worn --." That's right, it says "If". So I think that we should all realize that just because you CAN grow a mustache, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. There is almost nobody under the age of forty who looks good with a "neatly trimmed mustache." Ever. The only way I would consider underage mustaches to be acceptable would be if they were of the walrus or handlebar variety, or came with a set of spectacular muttonchops, cause that's just awesome, or as part of a goatee, cause that's hot. But alas, the honor code has specified "neatly trimmed," and so the only facial hair I ever see on my fellow students is HEINOUS.
I've a wonder, BYU, as to why your honor code would not support and/or encourage wondrous things like muttonchops or fabulous Merlin style beards, but would allow greasy, wormy pedophile mustaches to roam free... It simply doesn't make sense to me.
I mean, seriously...


Who would YOU trust with the magical education of your children?
The answer: Merlin, because he doesn't have a mustache that makes him look like a rapist.

I think I've made my point. If the university wants us to look our best, it makes no sense whatsoever to prohibit fabulous beards and yet permit underage mustachery, which is an abomination and must be stopped, as it is brainwashing our boys into thinking outrageous things (like that girls think they're attractive or that they look sophisticated) and turning them into greasy weirdos instead of supremely bodacious angry old wizards.
Really now, BYU, priorities....

Friday, March 19, 2010

On-Campus snoozing

So, I've noticed that whenever I'm on campus headed to class or something, there are people sleeping EVERYWHERE. Most of the benches are occupied by somebody sprawled out in a dead sleep. I was going to take a picture as proof, but then I felt creepy so I didn't.
I really don't understand these people. Not that I don't understand how they're feeling - I too am a college student, and have felt the pains of sleep-deprivation - but... I guess I just don't trust anybody enough to sleep in public like that. This is based mostly on the fact that whenever I see these people, I get an uncanny urge to doodle on their faces or hide their backpacks or something - no idea why, I just do. Of course, this means that if anybody else's brain works in the same way that mine does, then it is DEFINITELY not safe to sleep on campus, which is why I don't do it.
Maybe this just makes me a paranoid weirdo, but my mistrust of other people is usually founded in things I find myself wanting to do to others in any given situation. Just something to think about.
Trust no one.

Friday, March 12, 2010

One of these things is not like the other

I was thinking today about the Seven Dwarves. The Disney ones. These guys:

Anyway, of the seven, all have adjectives for names except for one: Doc. Why is he so special? I mean, I know he's the leader, but why should that exempt him from being an adjective? He never really exhibits any attributes that qualify him as a "Doc" anyway. Why not call him "Bossy?" or perhaps "Stuttery?" ... "Blandy?"... I guess "Straight-character-that-acts-as-a-comic-foil-for-the-other-six-distinct-personality-archetyped-characters-but-has-no-real-distinction-of-which-to-speak-y" doesn't really roll off the tongue... At any rate, I'm just curious as to how Doc got off without a descriptive name... I mean, I guess it could be indicative of intelligence, cause I suppose he is the "smartest" of the lot, but still... It's kind of like having seven daughters and naming them Faith, Hope, Charity, Prudence, Temperance, Justice, and Helga. Doesn't quite fit in with your theme there.
At any rate, I don't think it's fair for poor Doc to be left out of the circle just because he doesn't really have a definitive character trait besides apparently being the leader and stuttering. Personally, I think somebody over at Disney drew a dwarf, then got distracted and forgot about the character so they had to make it up on the spot at the board meeting, I would have loved to be in on that.
Boss Man: It looks like you've all put a lot of thought into developing these characters as you were assigned to. I'm very impressed. Now, it looks like we've got one more, Randy, what do you have for us?
Randy: Oo-er... Well, I've got this dwarf that I drew...
Boss Man: Good, good. Nice design, how about you tell us a bit about him..
Randy: Well...uh... He's the-- leader...and let's say his name is... uh... Doc! His name is Doc cause he's... smart, I guess...
Boss Man: Randy, did you do any work on this?
Randy: ...No, Sir, I just drew the picture.
Boss Man: Randy, you're a failure, go sit in the corner. Well, gents, we don't have time to create a new one before starting production, and since Randy managed to screw this up as usual, we'll just have to make do with what we've got. Send these to animation.
Underling: But, Sir, all the other dwarfs have adjectives for names, couldn't we--
Boss Man: Dash it all, man! I'm too rich and important to think about this! His name is Doc and if you don't like it, take it up with Randy!

That sounds about right...
Back to the point.
Disney, if you're going to have some deviation from a pattern like that, you have to explain, otherwise you confuse your audience... Perhaps not as children but when they're young adults and have too much time on their hands to wonder about stupid things.
Some consideration might be nice.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

But they don't even come from grapes!

Hey there readers.
Here I am, once again, to sing my praises to something weird before I go off and try to do my homework.
I hope you are all aware of how awesome Grape Nuts are. Like seriously, it's like the best cereal ever, and it has absolutely no reason to be. No, really... There is NO reason for Grape Nuts to be good, they're just a sludgy mass of rock solid clumps of some sort of grain, and yet, there you have it. And they're healthy too! Take THAT, Coco Puffs!
Perhaps I'm the only one who actually likes it, but if that's the case then more for me I suppose. Heck if it's like eating a bowl of gravel, it's still awesome. No matter what happens, this bewildering concoction will always be my favorite cereal.

Anyway, sorry about that, readers. I should be done writing about stupid things and go back to writing REALLY stupid things in no time, don't you worry your pretty little heads.
Now it's time to try and be productive. Joy.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The steak is a lie

I think "Salisbury Steak" must be French for "A freaking hamburger."
I don't care how you dress it up; it's a hamburger.

Look at how smug it is there with its new, cooler, more sophisticated friends. Guess it's too fancy to hang out with ketchup and pickles anymore.
Hamburger patties, please stop trying to be something you're not. The fancy title only makes us angry when we open our tv dinner and find out that it's not actually steak.
Get off the potatoes and salad and back in a bun where you belong, you're not fooling anybody. Nobody likes a poser.

Merchandising Miscommunication

First of all, let me make one thing very clear - I LOVE Tinkerbell. She's just awesome, it's true. However, while I don't mind the merchandising done at her expense, I'm a tad confused at some of the phrases I see in conjunction with her. On many a shirt, necklace, or poster, Tinkerbell appears in a cute, flirty pose alongside the phrase "Perfect Pixie". I have music box that has a smiling Tink next to the words "Fairy Spell". Yesterday I saw a steering wheel cover with her on it that proclaimed something to the effect of "Fearless flirt".... Seriously, Disney... What is that mess? Did anybody ever even see the movie? The reason Tinkerbell is so awesome is because she's a complete harpy; the very definition of a woman scorned (like which fury Hell hath no.) So what, may I ask, is the deal with all the cutesy phrases and poses she keeps showing up with?

Anyway, I decided I'd make a few of my own that more accurately reflect the delightful nastiness that made Tinkerbell famous in the first place:

And... I guess by the end of the movie:

Anyhoo, I know I already picked on Peter Pan, but this is different. Also, I'm not basing these off of those new Pixie Hollow movies where Tinkerbell is a sweet lovely individual, because they're totally not canon, and the reason we all love Tink is because she's a shrew.