Thursday, April 29, 2010

Are You Smarter Than a Second Grader?

Apparently not.
I'm taking an art class right now, and it's a fundamentals class, which means that I -- being a cartoonist, and having taught myself -- am having a lot of trouble. Of course, I know that I need to learn all this, because I'm not very good and I could be a whole lot better if I knew techniques and stuff, but boy howdy, do I have trouble with all that abstract art/shape composition/texture/etc. stuff that they try to foist on you in a fundamentals class... I don't know how, but every attempt I make at abstract art, I somehow fail... I didn't even know that was possible, but I do.
Now, of course this has got me frustrated, but I wasn't going to let it bite me. Strolling through the arts building today before my class, I took some time to admire the many interesting and beautiful abstract paintings lining the walls of the fifth floor, and came upon this one, which I thought to be quite compelling:

(It was actually on its side but blogger wont let me flip the image and I'm too lazy to do it elsewhere)
I naturally felt a bit intimidated by this, but then I assured myself that this student was certainly a higher level art student who has been doing this for ages and that I need not compare myself to them....
Then I saw the tag next to it:
2nd Grade
Abstract Line Drawing

Perhaps I ought to just back down and leave competent art to the real professionals in the Elemantary schools, cause obviously I have no idea what I'm doing.
...Maybe I'll just start closing my eyes and holding my pen in my left hand, that ought to at least even out the score enough for me to pass this infernal class.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

"You missed our anniversary to save a drowning child?!!? You jerk!"

I do not profess to be an avid reader of superhero comics, or even a wide partaker in any aspect of the superhero genre, really, but from my outsider perspective (which may not be completely accurate) I've noticed something particularly troubling. This problem can be summed up in two words: Superheros' girlfriends.
Not the ones that are unaware of the fact that their beau is a superhero, but the ones who DO know and STILL get their panties in a knot when their superpowered honey forgets/misses/ruins X event because he was saving a bus full of puppies and orphans from careening off a cliff. What is the matter with these women?! Do they really expect that the people will conveniently stop falling into life-threatening situations just because their man promised to meet them for dinner that night? These gals really need to start getting their priorities straight. And how is it that these fine, upstanding, superheros keep landing girls who completely flip one just because their man has more important things to do than attend their mothers' tupperware party? I mean, seriously! Firefighters' wives don't pitch a fit when their hubbies get called out to pull somebody's grandmother out of a flaming building on their anniversary, I don't see why it should be any different for superheros.

If I ever date a superhero, he has my blessing to miss my birthday if he's rescuing civilians from being vaporized by the blasts from his arch-nemesis' laser cannons. He just has to text me "Hey, bb. Prof. Malaise is ttly pwning the biz. district. Can't make ur bday. sry! :( cu l8tr?" and I will understand.

Really now, gals, priorities...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Na na na na na na na na NA na na na na na na na---

I am chilling on my couch at my new apartment. I'm not alone, though. Who is sitting with me?
Batman is.
That's right, Batman. Jealous much?

By the way, this is Batman:

That's right, I got me a new kitty (who didn't wish to be photographed) and by some remarkable twist fate or something, my family ACTUALLY let me name him Batman :D
I'm psyched. It's not often they let me get away with something like this; I'm not allowed to name things very often...
Anyway, just thought y'all should know, so you can be totally jealous.

I know who's keeping ME warm tonight....
Batman is.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm warning you, Lean Cuisine!

Really now, this has gone far enough! If my depressing microwave meal is packaged in separate, sealed compartments, then there should be no reason for there to be peaches in my teriyaki chicken. If it happens again, I shall be forced to vomit with dissatisfaction and write angry letters to my congressman, the pope, Santa, and Mel Gibson to make me feel self-important. If I am not appeased, I shall begin protesting outside of corporate headquarters and THEN we'll see who has broccoli in their berry cobbler!
...It'll be you, Lean Cuisine. It'll be you...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A Truly Smurfing Observation

Alright. I admit straight up that this is cheating. I wrote about this ages ago in my Deviantart journal, but I was thinking about the topic today and I wanted to do something with it on my blog, so I figured I'd just rewrite the original. The only reason I'm bringing this up is so that those who read the first one don't call shenanigans. I am quite aware that I am ripping myself off, thank you very much; I don't need to hear about it.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming:

(Cue happy music: La la la la la la!)

I grew up in the 90's, after the tv show "The Smurfs" was really popular, so I never actually saw it, but a while back I was surfing (smurfing?) Youtube, as I am wont to do, and I happened upon some old episodes, so I watched them. This show is absolutely hilarious. Not like it's actually clever or anything -- it's actually pretty bland and predictable as far as plots go -- but as I was watching it, I noted that the Smurfs all share a curious (and hilariously stupid) quirk. The quirk being that in any given sentence, the speaker will frequently replace crucial adjectives and verbs with variations of the word "smurf"
Here are a few gems that I happened upon:
"I must have smurfed some of my potion on it by mistake!"
"How about smurfing a couple of baskets with us?"
"That old thing is about to smurf apart any minute!"
"Run, my little Smurfs! We have to smurf to higher ground!"
"Oh my smurfness!"
"I never smurfed anything so sad in all my life!"
"Now you know that 'united we smirf, divided we fall'."
"Impossible! Not in a million smurfs!"
and the best:
"That's right! Papa Smurf can smurf anything he smurfs his mind to!"
There is no logical reason for them to do this, really -- it's kind of like me saying "Later today I'm going to human to the store and human up some more of those cookies. They are simply humaning." -- but yeah, it's still freaking hilarious.

Also, I realized that in many cases this can be taken as VERY dirty VERY easily, as shown in these examples which, I swear to Dionysus, I am not making up:
"Step inside, Smurfette, I'll smurf you up right."
"I smurfed her first!"
...... There is no way the writers of this show couldn't have realized what they were doing...
At any rate, I think I've stumbled onto a gold mine. Who needs "that's what she said" when you've got "smurf" ?

A few more things, just because I have the constant need to destroy all that is good and expose gaping plotholes in childrens cartoons that nobody else cares about:
First, the villain, Gargamel, appears to have no other purpose in life other than to capture and consume one or all of the Smurfs (Something about becoming a credible wizard as far as i gathered..) An admirable goal to be sure, but you have to question his methods. While they do evade him quite a bit, every so often he will manage to get his hands on a Smurf and will then cage them up whilst he prepares a soup to cook them in. This gives the other Smurfs ample time to free their comrade and cause Gargamel to fall all over himself and his cat... This has always bothered me in every cartoon of this sort. Seriously, Why doesn't he snap the Smurf's freaking neck as soon as he gets his hands on it? Then he wouldn't need to worry about it escaping (morbid, I know, but practical.)

I also had a wonder about exactly where Smurfs come from. True, there IS a Smurfette, but she was created by Gargamel to stir up discord among the other Smurfs after the series had already kicked off. It was clear that none of them had ever seen a female prior to that, but then where did they all come from? I'm not really pointing out a plot hole here, I'm just genuinely curious about how Smurfs reproduce. The writers can tell me that the Smurfs are asexual and I'll believe them, but they've gotta provide answers, or it just looks like an inconsistency. Speaking of inconsistencies: If the Smurfs ARE asexual, then why does Smurfette's presence even have an effect on the rest of them? Seems like without the need for a sex drive, they would just treat her like any of the dudes... And yet, they all trip over themselves whenever she's around. I'm serious, EVERYONE is sweet on Smurfette, including Papa Smurf, which is more than just a little disturbing considering he's like a million years old... Not even kidding; there is at least one occasion, if not more, where Papa Smurf vies for Smurfette's hand in marriage along with all the others. This is not okay. The writers of this show need serious help.

Finally, I was shocked and horrified by the amount of animal abuse going on in this show. Not only Gargamel's cat, Azrael, who constantly gets stepped on, smooshed, kicked, and shut in doors, but also the Smurfs' own puppy, who, in the episode I saw, got hit on the head by numerous object, and yelled at far more harshly than necessary by many a Smurf. Really, now! What kind of message are we sending to our children? Don't you writers know that it's only okay to drop an anvil on an animal if it can talk? For shame.

Alright, that's pretty much all I can say about that mess. All in all, you've got to admit that as stupid as this show was/still is, the creators , whether intentionally or otherwise, hit comic gold with that adjective/verb replacement thing. Gold. Pure Gold.
And if you don't think so then you can just go smurf off and smurf by yourself in a smirfing ditch!

Naw, really, I'm just smurfing with you.
Have a smirfing day!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Photogenic Phlebotomy

I gave blood today. Partially for the snacks, partially because I like the color of blood, but mostly because I'm a freaking saint. Plus it makes me feel totally hardcore, especially cause I bleed well and I don't get lightheaded or flinch at the needle; when everybody else is turning white and passing the heck out, I can just leap out of my chair and be on my merry way. It's like I just took a bullet then shrugged it off, like "What, that? That was nothing. Just lost a pint of blood, it's no problem." And then I pick up my bazooka and go back to battling velociraptors, then later I go home and cauterize the wound myself with a car cigarette lighter.... cause I'm hardcore! ... But I digress.
Anyhoo, today, I noticed that almost all the phlebotomists there were guys, and that every single one of them looked like a model for GQ. Usually when I give blood there's maybe one dude like that in the whole group, but this time it was all of them. I am highly suspicious... It makes me wonder just what they're trying to pull...Seems like some sort of conspiracy to me.
Am I complaining that the guys taking blood were all ludicrously attractive? Of course not. I'm just always suspicious of sexy phlebotomists because the only other ridiculously attractive beings who make it a common practice to take blood from people are vampires. It'd be a pretty easy way to lay low if they worked at a blood drive, that's all I'm sayin'... Highly suspect, particularly now that they're showing up en masse. I'm onto their little game. I know they're up to something...
Or that could just be the blood loss speaking... Either way, I'm out. Toodles!

Monday, April 5, 2010

A Monkey's Uncle

I think that the terms "aunt" and "uncle" don't really rely so much on gender as they do on the role they play in a child's life after the child reaches the age of 5. An aunt's role is to disapprove of you, and an uncle's role is to tease you and tell you outrageous lies that make you paranoid for the rest of your childhood (my uncle Mark STILL has my nose...)

I haven't shaved my legs in a while, and so yesterday while I was wearing capris, I managed to convince my 5 year old nephew, Nekoda (who was crawling around under the dining room table and licking people,) that my legs were feral and that they would bite him if he got too close. He listened with wide eyes, then tried to poke me in the leg. I made a snarling noise and he shrieked and ran away.

I think I'm an uncle.