Tuesday, June 29, 2010

So THAT'S what it's for!

Oh golly goodness! I discovered something big recently. It is most exciting.
So you know how doctors are always depicted with that large circular metal thing strapped to their heads?

A visual aid for those who have no idea what I'm talking about.

I had never even seen a doctor wear one until a little bit ago when I went to the ENT with a bad ear infection and my doctor had one. I'd never had any idea what it was, so I continued to assume it was just for decoration until he flipped it down and used it to look up my nose.
That's all it does. It's a nose mirror.
I wasn't sure if I should be disappointed or not, but then I decided that it was funny because it's always sort of stood out as a way to easily identify somebody as a doctor... and all it does is look up noses!

So, there we have it; another mystery that you probably didn't really care about solved by Erin. Now you can go around telling people that to sound smart... Or... then again... maybe don't.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Literal Definition

I've been watching a lot of commercials lately, and I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that "fresh" can be literally defined as "passing through jets of water midair."

Then again, I'm no lexicographer.
(I could give you some better examples but nobody is lame enough to put Arby's commercials on YouTube. )
Sure, you can take a picture of produce lying in a pile in a basket or something, but it's only truly fresh if it's been tossed through a jet of water, and preferably sliced in midair. I guess the air unlocks the freshness. All the best restaurants do it that way, and you'd better not believe it if anybody tells you differently.
(Aside: Here's a runner up. )

These vegetables are ALMOST fresh. That colander is definitely suspended, and there's the jet of water, but they are not actually flying individually through it. Also, it took me several minutes of trying and then finally having to look it up to figure out how to spell "colander"

Just keep that in mind the next time you're cooking, otherwise your salad is gonna suck. Unless it's meat of course, Then it must be thrown through the air onto a flaming grill.

If you want to, you can squeeze lemon juice on it while it's in the air, but there has to be a moment of suspension. And, of course, once it's on the grill, you have to slowly brush it with a substance that may or may not be barbecue sauce.

Red substance may be the blood of a thousand militant mountain lions and grizzlies that you felled with a spear, but that depends on how manly you want your salmon fillet to be.

Anyway, that's something they're not going to tell you on the Food Network: If you want it fresh, you gotta toss it through the air. I'll bet you're really happy I found this out, otherwise you might be doomed to a life without freshness, and that would be terrible.
You're welcome.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Fresh Styles

Today I am very excited.
Thanks to my chiropractor, I am now the proud owner of the SILLIEST SHOES IN THE WORLD.
Check out these fresh kicks:

Aww yeah. Style and class! All the sophistication of wearing toe socks with flip flops, except for with a velcro strap!

These stylish puppies are treaded just like a regular shoe so that they can be worn anywhere. It's just like bare feet, except for they have a slightly smaller chance of getting you refused service at the gas station.

And of course, the sassy toe slots are great for those who aren't afraid to be just a little too sexy.
Perfect for everybody who has ever looked at a pair of tennis shoes and said "Yeah, they're pretty good, but they would be even better if they formed around each individual toe."
Bold, daring, and seductive, these shoes are sure to turn some heads.

...They're also comfortable as all heck, so... yeah...

Thanks Dr. Brady!

(Also, I lied. They're only the second silliest. If I had gotten them in the stunning neon pink/orange color then they would have been the top)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Button

I've been thinking... What if the buttons on the telephone poles at street corners that you press when you want to cross don't really do anything, they're just a great big social experiment? An exercise in futility, if you will. I mean, really. Have you ever gone to a corner and NOT pushed the button? The little dude still pops up and tells you to cross whether you push it or not. I think it's just there to see how many people simply can't resist the urge to push a button. Or perhaps it's there to make us feel like we're actually doing something useful, just like when you were five and you asked your dad if you could help him wash the house and he gave you a toothbrush and said that you could scrub the driveway; you weren't actually doing anything but you felt like you were helping.

It's like you're scrubbing the driveway every time you get to an intersection

Then again, we can't be sure that it really doesn't do anything, so we have to keep pushing it for fear that something terrible will happen. I'm tempted to make a LOST reference, but I wont....
Ah, what the heck

We have to keep pushing the button or something bad may or may not happen!

I've been told that pushing the button sends some sort of signal that tells the light to change faster, but I don't believe it; I've read psychological studies before, and psychologists are like the biggest liars ever, and they don't even feel bad about it because it's for science. All social experiments are just their excuses to play us all for suckers.

Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this... If the APA realizes that I'm onto them, they'll probably send their ninjas to come and bump me off.
Ah well. If I go missing, I need you all to warn the people that the crosswalk button is a sham. They must be told. I have faith in you.
Godspeed readers.