Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Hate Light

I've a new crackpot theory to add to my ever expanding list....
I've been aware for quite a while that, when driving, I only seem to hit every single red light on the days when I am in a particularly foul mood. I hadn't really given it much thought prior to this, but I think I figured out how red lights react so consistently with nasty moods:

Within every stop light at every intersection in the world lives a creature that feeds exclusively on hate, which metabolizes rapidly and causes the creature to give off a bright red glow. It feeds by way of a small receptor that can be opened and shut at will, and the creature is wired to a device that triggers when the receptor is closed and turns on the green light below it. As the receptor begins to open so the creature can feed again, the device turns the light yellow until the creature has begun to metabolize.
The speed at which the creature feeds is directly proportional to the amount of hate at any given intersection. If there is only a marginal amount of hate, it will feed quickly in order to absorb as much of the hate as possible before it escapes. If, however, there is a large amount of hate, or if it is coming from many different sources, the creature will slow down and savor its meal, and will burn for far longer.

Do not try to tell me that this doesn't make perfect sense.

...OH! I forgot to mention that this creature was bred by the government to function at a near-human level of intelligence. Thus it is also takes satisfaction in the increased amount of hate caused by the red light in the first place, beyond what it already gains from the initial feeding. In other words, a creature that feeds on your hate and laughs at your pain.

Here is an artist's rendition of what this creature probably looks like:
No really, you guys. Think about it.