Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Rendering Futile

In this day and age we are always losing things, especially keys and wallets. It's practically unavoidable. Fortunately, somebody recognized this as a problem and invented this:

This is a device that you can attach to both your wallet and your keys so that you can locate one with the other. It really is quite a brilliant idea for people who are always misplacing one or the other.
Unfortunately, I am not one of those people, and I have lost my wallet AND my keys, proving that most handy inventions are pretty futile if you're a big enough dipstick.
Thus inventing is set back another few years.

... If anybody could find my wallet or keys, that'd be really great. I really need them so I can drive and buy stuff...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Rising Crop of Superheroes

So, you know how when Bruce Wayne was a kid, he got attacked by a flock of bats that left him with a lasting fear of bats that he eventually harnessed in order to become Batman? Well, after yesterday, I believe that there very well may be four new superheroes, each named "Waspman" in the future. It's just what happens when four kids --ages five and under-- upset a large swarm of wasps. With an average of 14 stings per capita, and three hours of howling to wake the dead, I am adamant that my nephews will some day be wearing tights and fighting crime. There is no other way.
So, Nekoda, Kayden, Jackson, and Zackary, I look forward to you saving me from some giant robot death ray several years down the road. Until then, store that trauma away and let it fester.

That's right... Let this fuel your nightmares.

I wonder if any of those wasps were radioactive...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Nice Voice

Since about the time I hit puberty, many years ago, I have had the misfortune of being severely challenged in the face-to-face interpersonal communication department. To put it quite simply, I am awkward. Speech, body language, the whole shebang; I just don't navigate casual social encounters with other humans very well. Naturally, the fact that I'm aware of my awkwardness manifests itself just as awkwardly, and the result leaves me looking introverted and antisocial to any stranger or distant acquaintance I may come in contact with (of course, good friends can just read my mind, and my parents just smile and nod and frantically hope that some day somebody will want to marry me.) This is bad, considering I have a job where I'm supposed to be able to talk to people and fix their problems. Recently, my boss hauled me in to her office to discuss complaints she's gotten that I have been brushing people off when they ask me questions. We talked about it and finally deduced that I'm not refusing to help, I just don't say anything before going to fix a problem. I also don't make eye contact, and I answer questions in a manner that tends to suggest that I hate everyone. Since I don't want to lose my job, I figured I ought to at least make some effort to come off friendlier, so people don't think I want to kill them, even when I do. It was then that I discovered "the nice voice."

Apparently I have two voices: the first being my normal voice which is deep and calm, and serves its purpose when it isn't stuttering like a motorboat engine. The second is high, cheerful, and inexplicably has a Southern accent. I have no idea why it is like this, but I also cannot do anything about it. As much as I may try, my friendly "customer service" voice continues to address everyone as 'darlin' and slip 'y'all' into the conversation at frequent intervals.

Usually I have some far-fetched answer that I can use to explain this sort of thing, but this time I can honestly say that I got nothing. All I know is that now, whenever I have a friendly conversation with somebody I am not very well acquainted with, I wind up very very confused.
I guess the "friendly" setting on my vocal chords somehow got stuck on "Southern Telemarketer." Typical. You don't use a feature for a while and then when you try to, the programming goes all wonky on you.
Well... I suppose I'd better start looking for the owners manual, or I'll get fired for not taking my job seriously...

Stupid mysterious vocal phenomenon...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Share the Load

This is Nekoda

Nekoda is my nephew. He is five.
Koda is a typical five-year-old, if not a bit more rambunctious and prone to fits of terrifying malevolent rage (pretty sure he's going to be a supervillain when he grows up,) but that's not the first thing you'll notice about him should you decide to engage him in conversation. The first thing you WILL notice is that Koda is a questioner. A relentless questioner. Unless he is sleeping or his breath is being put to some other use (ie. screaming,) Koda will be asking questions. His mother -- my sister-in-law -- is the main victim of this, especially since his father -- my brother-- has the good fortune of being Deaf. I hadn't really realized the magnitude of this behavior, however, until yesterday, when I babysat Nekoda for only two hours. It was then, as I teetered on the edge of madness, that I realized how much my poor sister-in-law endures, and I decided that, out of respect for her, I would dedicate this post to her, and put all of my readers through just a fraction of what she puts up with every single day. This woman is amazing and she needs to be recognized.
This is what an hour with Nekoda sounds like:

Hey what is the hottest pepper in the world?can it burn through your tongue?what's under your tongue?is it blood and spit?can the hottest pepper in the world burn through your tongue until it's just blood?why don't girls like hot peppers?do you like hot peppers?is the hottest pepper in the world yellow or green?what's it called?do daddies like it?does it taste like the sun?what does the sun taste like?can you touch the sun?what would happen to you if you did?would you burn up?can God touch the sun?what would happen if he did?would he die?can he eat the sun?what is hotter than the sun?is lightening hotter?is the sun the hottest fire and lightening is the hottest electricity?what happens if lightening hits you?can you cook with lightening?do you want to see my spider?why do spiders like to eat flies?does he want to bite me?how do you know?did he ever bite you?have you been bitten by a bigger spider?what color is it?what is the biggest spider in the world?does it eat flies?can it eat birds?how does it eat birds?how does it chew the birds?what are bird bones made of?what are people bones made of?can you break it?can the sun break it?how tall is the sun?is it so so tall all the way up to God's house?can a bird fly to the sun?what are bird feathers made of?do birds only lose their feathers when they are sick?are the feathers dirty?what would happen if I put it in my mouth?why would it make me sick?how do you know?are you so so smart?even smarter than daddy?where is daddy?does he have his phone?daddy says I can play video games whenever I want?why can't I do it right now?where is the remote?can I go to Laurel's house and get it?why not?where is the case for that movie?what is this movie about?is it real?is Lightening McQueen real?why is he not real?can cars really talk?why do you want me to be quiet?why do you have a headache?do you need medicine?does it hurt so so bad?how did you get a headache?why am I talking too much?why are you closing your eyes?are you asleep?why does your head hurt?did you hit it?what happens if you hit your head?how hard is your head?what is the hardest thing in the world?how hard are diamonds?can you bite it with your teeth?would it break your teeth?can diamonds melt in the sun?but I thought you said diamonds were the hardest thing ever but the sun is in space is space bigger than the earth?are there diamonds in space?can a rock cut a diamond?what about a knife?how do you put diamonds on the edge of a knife?what would happen if you cut your finger with it?would it hurt?would it cut all the way down to your blood and bones?would you die?would you go to heaven?is there food in heaven?why don't you know?because you've never been there?do people get so so big?how big?can they be really really big all the way up to God's house?why?if you ate so much food would you get really really big?if you ate one hundred foods would you get so so big?why would you get so fat?how do you get really tall?if you were so tall could you fit in a house?are houses so expensive because they are so big?are cars?who made cars God or people?does God know how to drive a car?why can he do everything?why are you shaking your head?why don't you know?why do I have to go to bed?why do people have to sleep?will I get so sick if I don't sleep?does God have to sleep?do birds sleep?what kind of animal doesn't sleep?none of them?why not any of them?what are pillows full of?how do they get the feathers from the birds?do they die? do they fall off? are there germs in my pillow?will it make me sick?why are you screaming?is there something scary?why are you pulling out your hair?does it hurt? what is hair made of?where does your hair color come from?why are you running away?aunt Erin?hey!hey!come back!

As I said, this is only an hour worth of questions, I have no desire to find out what an entire day is like, but you can only imagine. Also, keep in mind that most of this is backed up by a chorus of "Hey! Hey! I'm hun-gur-ee" from his younger brother, Kayden, regardless of whether or not he just ate. Also, there's a baby.

If ever you think your life is frustrating and you can't take it anymore, you are more than welcome to borrow Nekoda for a few hours; I guarantee your outlook will change greatly.
Now I think you should all go send a box of chocolate and a medal to my sister-in-law, Sarah, for keeping this force safely contained and far away from you.
Go on, do it. I'll wait here.

How to Suceed in the Music Industry

I've been thinking lately about how Lady Gaga is just about the biggest thing since sliced bread right now (neurotic, sparkly bread,) and I got to wondering what makes her so successful. I mean, besides the fact that all her songs are infectious ear-worms, and she is pretty much the embodiment of every single shiny thing that has ever mesmerized you into becoming a drooling shell of an intelligent human for more than five minutes. I've been analyzing Lady Gaga's music videos, and I have been able to identify one specific formula that she follows pretty much every time. It goes a little something like this:

She writhes

She sparkles

And she makes out with a pile of gay men.

You got that? Writhe, sparkle, and make out with a bunch of gay dudes. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. PROFIT!

Brilliant! The secret to Lady Gaga's popularity, and it's so simple!
I finally understand the music industry now! All you have to do is those three things, and also pretend to sing (autotune can be your friend) and you're on your way to stardom.
Thanks Lady Gaga!

Actually... I think that may be why Twilight is so popular as well... Bella does each of those three things at least once throughout the series...
There you go, another mystery solved.