Monday, December 14, 2009

I believe in --

I realized something the other day.
Santa Clause is a fairy. Think about it. He buzzes around at night and grants wishes to children, he possesses the ability to make reindeer fly, and he only exists if you believe in him.
By that logic, I have concluded that Santa Clause is also the TOOTH FAIRY! I know we all reason that the tooth fairy is a woman, but have any of us actually SEEN her? Of course not! Santa is the only one who makes a regular public appearance, but what do you think he does for the rest of the year? I mean, sure, it does take a good while to get ready for Christmas, but it's not like he takes any part in the preparations besides making that list. Christmas eve is his one BIG job of the year, in which he exercises his ability to get around the world in one night. The rest of the year he dons a tutu and only visits a select few houses, still spread equally far apart, and exchanges money for teeth. I mean, we all KNEW Santa was loaded, so it makes sense that he'd be able to keep the teeth business up as well.
What does he DO with the teeth? Well, you know how Santa always knows if you've been bad or good? Even being a fairy, and therefore magic, Santa cannot see everything. Before a child is old enough to lose their teeth, it is assumed that they are good, because they do not have a developed sense of right and wrong yet. However, once they get old enough, Santa needs to keep an eye on them, and so he uses their baby teeth. The teeth are plugged in to the right place in the correct child's monitor, and the mystic bond between the tooth and the child (heavily reliant on the child's belief in magic) is read by a machine, which writes a report on the significant positive or negative actions performed by the child in question. As children age, they require heavier monitoring, so more teeth are required. By the time the full set of teeth is in place, the child's belief in Santa usually begins to dwindle, and the connection fizzles out, and the teeth are discarded and ground down to make sleeping dust, which the Sand Man (AKA the Tooth Fairy AKA Santa Clause) sprinkles over the earth as he flies over the world each night to retrieve lost teeth.
It makes perfect sense. Do not question my genius.

It has also come to my attention that Santa might also be confused with the Easter bunny, possibly because many people imagine the Easter bunny to be a GIANT PINK RABBIT. This is a lie. His elves do it. There is not one Easter Bunny, there are many.
Santa has better things to do than hide eggs for obese children, you presumptuous cad.

1 comment:

Steph said...

uh. wow...what an idea. I'm not questioning your genius, because it does, in fact make sense.
p.s. You're not talking to yourself, I promise!!!