I do not recall having ever played a game of Candy Land fairly if I could get away with it. I was devious too, and everyone was all too willing to leave me alone with the deck so I could rig it. It's really easy too, you just count off every other card and slip the jump cards in every so often, just space them out so as not to be conspicuous. Heck if it made my niece cry, I wasn't about to lose to a 5 year old!
What can I say? I was a sore loser.
However, I realized recently that by depriving the other players of the character cards, I was subconsciously protecting them, because EVERY CHARACTER IN CANDY LAND IS A RAPIST! Just look at them!
I couldn't find good pictures of the characters from the version I want, so I'll just have to make do with this clock I found on the internet.
See what I mean? Look at how they cheerfully and innocently offer candy to the pretty little blond children, but beneath the jolly, rosy surface you can see ulterior motives. Every single one of them. See that green thing next to the plum tree? What's he holding behind his back? And you know the tree knows what he's up to, you can see the horror through its fake smile. And Mr. Mint? You just know he can't be up to anything good with those candy canes. NOBODY likes candy canes -- you think you do, but then when you get about halfway done, you can't stand it anymore -- especially not enough that there needs to be a PAID CANDYCANE LUMBERJACK. I don't buy it. Not. One. Bit.
I think the worst is the little passage between Lord Licorice and the Jolly gumdrop prick. You are literally surrounded. Even if you make a move to back away from one, the other one is right behind you and can grab you and drag you off with no problem (Incidentally, Beth made a comment once about how Lord Licorice reminds her of the Child-snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang). And don't try to tell me they wont. Nobody can dress like they do and offer candy to little kids with anything else in mind.
Now, Granny Nut is probably not a rapist, fair enough, but she does want to lure you into her (literal) nut-house and eat your internal organs. Nobody can live alone in a house made/full of nuts without being completely cracked (bad pun) and probably a witch.
Princess Lolly over there is meant to work her sweet little Lolita charm on you and lure you along the path to Queen Frostine, who you just KNOW is waiting to put some sort of sleep or submissiveness charm on you. These two are enablers. Don't trust them.
Gloppy the swamp thing has his intentions written clearly on his face, and he possesses the especially terrifying ability to suck you in and hold you there.
Finally, King Kandy is the worst of the bunch, with his puffy pants and pink beard, beckoning you into the wondrous candy castle, promising mounds of sweets and magical things, the likes of which you have never before experienced. Of course, you're still floating from Frostine's Roofie spell, so you nod and let him lead you by the hand inside and close the door. It's the confectionary equivalent of a man in an unmarked "ice cream" truck telling little kids that he has candy and a bike in the back of the truck. Plus he looks like the Burger King, who we all know is a registered sex offender.
I'm sure you're probably all horrified by now, as well you should be. These guys cannot be trusted and the world must be told.
There you go. I ruined Candy Land for you.
You will never be able to think of it in the same way again.
You're welcome.
...Hope I succeeded in ruining your childhood, just like the Candy Land characters did to those pretty blond children. :D
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