Simply UnBEARable

Yesterday my father linked me to an article on my University's news page about how the campus Ad Lab recently teamed up with the U.S. Forest Service and the National Ad Council to create a new video about fire safety featuring Smokey the Bear. You remember Smokey, right? Smokey was awesome. He was pretty much the coolest mascot ever besides Tony the Tiger. In fact, if Smokey and Tony joined forces, I can bet you that we'd all be sitting around safely contained campfires eating Frosted Flakes instead of doing whatever other lame things we're doing right now. But I digress. Apparently the folks over at the Forest Service wanted to re-imagine Smokey for the younger generation. My father insists that the only way to effectively re-imagine a mascot is to have it rap, but Smokey has already rejected that idea because he knows rap sucks and will not stoop to the lowest common denominator, as evidenced here:
Click here to watch
(This is the old Smokey, of course. You can tell because he's so manly that he could put out a fire just by folding his arms and looking sternly at it. It's times like this that I wish I was a lady bear.)
However, for the NAC, "re-imagining" apparently means 3D animation, and because they didn't want to do it themselves, they decided to turn to college students as a clean, legal source of cheap labor. Now, BYU has a fantastic animation program, and in the highly capable hands of the animation students, any project is bound to flourish. Sadly, nobody informed the NAC of this when they came to BYU in want of an animated educational video about Smokey the Bear, so they gave the project to the BYU Ad Lab.
Long story short, this happened:

I don't know who was the supervisor for this, or how long they were asleep for, but I'm pretty sure they need to be fired. Another person who needs to be fired is whoever gave the okay for this to be released as an official video for the U.S. Forest Service. I mean really, this is just bad. The whole thing looks like it was written, animated, and voiced entirely by one bewildered Freshman with a beginner animation program. Of course, I might have been able to leave the video alone -- just walk away and brush it off as another bad educational video -- had it not been for this article, which praises the project highly, making it sound like a brilliantly crafted piece of educational media. It is this alone that stirs in me an intrinsic desire to tear this video a new one.

Now, as much as I dearly wish to talk about why the video is terrible, I really have no idea where to start, so I guess I'll just go from the top and work my way down:
The opening was fine; just some clouds. Pretty standard stuff for something like this. It wasn't until I encountered the sheer baby-eating terror that was the character models that I began to worry. I tried to be fair. I told myself that the students worked hard on this video for seven months and it wouldn't be fair for me to make fun of it. I asked myself "What if this were my project?" and tried to put myself in the place of the creators. Of course, as I did that, the very next thought into my head was "Oh, wait! If it were me, I would make sure my character designs weren't terrifying before I let it see the light of day." After that I felt justified.
And now, some bullet points:

• Once upon a time, it was the 80's and animation looked like this.

• Bad writing + Bad voice acting = terrible characters

• Aryan male is the hero, girl and black boy are naïve simpletons, Latino boy just wants to torch the forest. Oops. Attempt to give characters diversity: Failed

• Hitler Youth can talk to trees. Why? Nobody knows. They never speak of this power again. Plot hole status: Gaping

• Worst animated bunnies ever. Project is officially sunk.

• Smokey has a depressing backstory. The past was drawn in crayon; ask your grandparents

• "In Soviet Russia, forest burns you.”

• Smokey is intensely creepy. After much deliberation, I realized it's because he has no fur. Also because he has no soul and wears suspicious jeans.

• Don't worry. Smokey followed safety regulations and put the fire out properly after roasting those kids.

• Creepy dad is creepy. He is definitely an accomplice.

• Creepy dad and Smokey hit the gay bar after hiding the evidence.

• Rule #1 of fire safety “Only you can prevent wildfires” isn't a rule, it's a slogan. Get it off the list.

• Cousin Eden says: What about wildfires caused by lightening, diptards?

• Hey kids! Always annoy every random bearded stranger you meet in the woods about fire safety and a bear in a hat will give you a shiny ranger badge. “Go go, Forest Rangers!” *guitar solo*

• Ranger Lupe has no purpose. Her existence is a hollow lie. Please to be giving her a purpose, or cutting her from the movie. Thank you.

I don't really know what else to say except for that I hope nobody on the outside ever finds out that this video was made by BYU, or we've lost our reputation forever. Heck, even the target demographic (ages 5-8) isn't going to be fooled into thinking this is good animation. They've grown up with Pixar for pete's sake! Of course, I don't think that this one is really the fault of the students at the Ad Lab. I've seen what the Ad Lab can do. So, what, I ask you, happened here? My theory is that somebody on the NAC wrote the script and the poor Ad Labbers were dragged kicking and screaming along with it. My other theory is that the Ad Lab isn't the animation department, and so they should not be making animations (this theory is not quite so solid; more of a hypothesis really, but I think it has good potential, so I'm seeing if I can get it approved by the committee.) As you can see, I'm doing my darndest to pin this one on the NAC because I respect the competence of my peers. I know how hard it is to have to complete a project in an unfamiliar medium. Until proven otherwise, I'm going to assume that they were held at gunpoint for the entirety of this project.
My final word: The NAC needs to try harder, writing should be left to the writers and animation to the animators, and those members of the production team of this unfortunate creation should seriously consider releasing it under the name Alan Smithee.
As for Smokey, he doesn't need a re-imagining. All he needs is a shovel, a deep, manly voice, and that good old song:

"Smokey the Bear, Smokey the Bear.
Prowlin' and a growlin' and a sniffin' the air.
He can find a fire before it starts to flame.
That's why they call him Smokey,
That was how he got his name. "

Goody Two Zoos

My family and I went to the zoo yesterday. Is it just me, or is the zoo getting awfully preachy? I mean, really; we went to an animal show, the advertisement of which professed that we would be shown animals, learn about them, and then get to see them up close and pet them afterwards. Awesome, right? You must know that when I say "my family," that includes at least six children under the age of five, so we were happy to have a break where somebody else could entertain the spawn for a while. Unfortunately, the entire show consisted of four animals -- A hedgehog, a python, an armadillo, and a tarantula (so technically I suppose it consisted of three animals and a soul-devouring nightmare beast a tarantula) -- but then the keepers spent almost the entire time running their gums about the environment and habitats instead of the actual animals.

I get it. The environment is awesome. The environment is where we live. The environment cured your hernia. Heck, the environment even bought you a flatscreen tv and it wasn't even your birthday. Can you please just show us the animals now? I can't tell you how little I care about deforestation when the bored three year old on my lap is making a desperate effort to escape.

The thing is, the zoo is where we go to see and learn about the animals. Sometimes we're even interested in their natural habitats, but it is not the time to get uppity about saving the environment on us, because we paid to be entertained. I love the Earth and I'm doing what I can to save it by reusing plastic bottles and walking the five miles to the grocery store, and I really don't want a plug on how I'm destroying the ecosystem when I just want to see the blasted howler monkeys. I will donate to your zoo, and you can use it to save whatever rainforest you want, but tell me about the hawk, not about the pollution that's killing it. Heck, you can even tell me how many owls die every year from poaching, but talk about the animal, not the environment, and then maybe you'll have time to show us more things we're actually interested in during your half hour of allotted time.

There is a place and time to preach to us about the environment, and it's not when we're dragging six or seven young children around who desperately want to see the birds, and won't sit still for a sermon about going green. It's frustrating; please just do your job. When we get home, we will see the pictures on the internet of pelicans drowning in oil and have our hearts wrenched from our chests and be inspired to be more environmentally conscious, but when we're at the zoo and we're holding restless children by the ankles as they flap through the air above our heads, we'd greatly prefer if you gave us what we paid for, cause your preaching is annoying even when we're not trying to keep six toddlers quiet.

Of course, while I just want to see the animals and not hear about how to save them, please don't misunderstand: I want the animals that are in your zoo to be treated with love and respect. They don't belong there. They're far away from home in a strange place where people stare at them all day, and they can't understand why; it sucks. Be nice to them.
And please, zoo patrons, for the love of all that is good, DON'T TAP ON THE GLASS. I'm going to have to start following some zoo patrons home and tapping on their windows when THEY'RE trying to sleep.

Also, for those who run the animal shows and ask for volunteers, be sure to scan the audience and sort out the kids who are calm and smiling from the kids who look as though they are going to explode if they don't get chosen. I don't think you quite understand the fiery hell you're unleashing on the families of the latter by calling on the former.

Finally, "orangutan" does not have a 'g' at the end. Stop pronouncing it like it does. It sounds silly.

Twitard alert level: Red

Eclipse comes out today.
The fans are going to be insufferable. Best watch yourselves comrades.
Keep on your toes.

So THAT'S what it's for!

Oh golly goodness! I discovered something big recently. It is most exciting.
So you know how doctors are always depicted with that large circular metal thing strapped to their heads?

A visual aid for those who have no idea what I'm talking about.

I had never even seen a doctor wear one until a little bit ago when I went to the ENT with a bad ear infection and my doctor had one. I'd never had any idea what it was, so I continued to assume it was just for decoration until he flipped it down and used it to look up my nose.
Really.
That's all it does. It's a nose mirror.
I wasn't sure if I should be disappointed or not, but then I decided that it was funny because it's always sort of stood out as a way to easily identify somebody as a doctor... and all it does is look up noses!

So, there we have it; another mystery that you probably didn't really care about solved by Erin. Now you can go around telling people that to sound smart... Or... then again... maybe don't.

The Literal Definition

I've been watching a lot of commercials lately, and I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that "fresh" can be literally defined as "passing through jets of water midair."

Then again, I'm no lexicographer.
(I could give you some better examples but nobody is lame enough to put Arby's commercials on YouTube. )
Sure, you can take a picture of produce lying in a pile in a basket or something, but it's only truly fresh if it's been tossed through a jet of water, and preferably sliced in midair. I guess the air unlocks the freshness. All the best restaurants do it that way, and you'd better not believe it if anybody tells you differently.
(Aside: Here's a runner up. )

These vegetables are ALMOST fresh. That colander is definitely suspended, and there's the jet of water, but they are not actually flying individually through it. Also, it took me several minutes of trying and then finally having to look it up to figure out how to spell "colander"

Just keep that in mind the next time you're cooking, otherwise your salad is gonna suck. Unless it's meat of course, Then it must be thrown through the air onto a flaming grill.

If you want to, you can squeeze lemon juice on it while it's in the air, but there has to be a moment of suspension. And, of course, once it's on the grill, you have to slowly brush it with a substance that may or may not be barbecue sauce.

Red substance may be the blood of a thousand militant mountain lions and grizzlies that you felled with a spear, but that depends on how manly you want your salmon fillet to be.

Anyway, that's something they're not going to tell you on the Food Network: If you want it fresh, you gotta toss it through the air. I'll bet you're really happy I found this out, otherwise you might be doomed to a life without freshness, and that would be terrible.
You're welcome.

Fresh Styles

Today I am very excited.
Thanks to my chiropractor, I am now the proud owner of the SILLIEST SHOES IN THE WORLD.
Check out these fresh kicks:

Aww yeah. Style and class! All the sophistication of wearing toe socks with flip flops, except for with a velcro strap!

These stylish puppies are treaded just like a regular shoe so that they can be worn anywhere. It's just like bare feet, except for they have a slightly smaller chance of getting you refused service at the gas station.

And of course, the sassy toe slots are great for those who aren't afraid to be just a little too sexy.
Perfect for everybody who has ever looked at a pair of tennis shoes and said "Yeah, they're pretty good, but they would be even better if they formed around each individual toe."
Bold, daring, and seductive, these shoes are sure to turn some heads.

...They're also comfortable as all heck, so... yeah...

Thanks Dr. Brady!

(Also, I lied. They're only the second silliest. If I had gotten them in the stunning neon pink/orange color then they would have been the top)

The Button

I've been thinking... What if the buttons on the telephone poles at street corners that you press when you want to cross don't really do anything, they're just a great big social experiment? An exercise in futility, if you will. I mean, really. Have you ever gone to a corner and NOT pushed the button? The little dude still pops up and tells you to cross whether you push it or not. I think it's just there to see how many people simply can't resist the urge to push a button. Or perhaps it's there to make us feel like we're actually doing something useful, just like when you were five and you asked your dad if you could help him wash the house and he gave you a toothbrush and said that you could scrub the driveway; you weren't actually doing anything but you felt like you were helping.


It's like you're scrubbing the driveway every time you get to an intersection

Then again, we can't be sure that it really doesn't do anything, so we have to keep pushing it for fear that something terrible will happen. I'm tempted to make a LOST reference, but I wont....
...
Ah, what the heck

We have to keep pushing the button or something bad may or may not happen!

I've been told that pushing the button sends some sort of signal that tells the light to change faster, but I don't believe it; I've read psychological studies before, and psychologists are like the biggest liars ever, and they don't even feel bad about it because it's for science. All social experiments are just their excuses to play us all for suckers.

Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this... If the APA realizes that I'm onto them, they'll probably send their ninjas to come and bump me off.
Ah well. If I go missing, I need you all to warn the people that the crosswalk button is a sham. They must be told. I have faith in you.
Godspeed readers.