Friday, July 16, 2010

To My Unwelcome Guests

To the colony of baby spiders that has taken up residence in my room,
This is just a note to voice my disapproval about our cohabitation. I understand that you are young and you have not yet been able to get on your feet yet -- your mother has tragically passed on by now so you can't get any help from her, and your father... well... she probably ate him, so he's not much help either -- however, I don't tolerate freeloaders, and since you aren't even paying rent, I'm going to have to ask you all to pick up and move out. I can't afford to house all five billion of you, and I'm feeling a little cramped, not to mention the fact that your manners are atrocious. Civilized roommates do not swing from the light fixtures and leave their webbing all over the place. I had assumed you would begin taking the hint yesterday when I started taking the initiative to forcibly "remove" a good number of you with my thumb, but it seems as though you have not yet gotten the message. Let me put it simply for you: I want you out. Tomorrow I get out the vacuum, and then if all of you still aren't out by the time you start getting big, I'm going to start spraying. It's your choice.
I'm sorry it had to be this way, but as I said, I do not tolerate freeloaders. However, I am not completely heartless. I have managed to secure some positions for the lot of you in the pest control department of the garden. My father is the manager, and he would be happy to accommodate you. I can only hope you choose to take this opportunity over the alternative.
Cordially,
Erin

3 comments:

Beth said...

Very tolerable of you. :) I'm so pleased... I found a hobo spider in Zubs the other day. :( Gross things.

The Erin said...

Sick! Aren't those the ones that give you giant nasty bruises when they bite you? Or do they just make your limbs go numb?

bblack44 said...

Not sure. They (or something very like them) are extremely poisonous and sometimes cause your skin to slough off...