Thursday, February 4, 2010

Rock (not so much) Band

Rock Band is a great concept for a game; it has four players, and requires each of them to do something different in order to achieve a common goal (the goal being to play an awesome show.) It's a great party activity, and to be good at it is to guarantee yourself permanent social acceptance. As such, it goes without saying that I am terrible at Rock Band.
Simple fact being that I suck at Guitar Hero and I cannot play the drums, the genius of this concept is wasted on me and whenever Rock Band gets turned on I tend to hide in the corner to avoid feeling the disgusted stares of the other players radiating off the back of my neck. However, on the odd occasion I allow myself to be talked into it. The reason for this is that there is another option besides guitar and drums that seems a good deal safer, particularly for someone like me; this option is, of course, vocals. As a trained singer, the vocals naturally beckon to me, promising safety and social acceptance, and I'm always quick to trust. In addition, if the group in question knows me well enough to know that I'm a singer, they will enthusiastically urge me to pick up the microphone and rock it; their looks of excitement and complete faith in my abilities further fuels my confidence and gets me pumped and ready to OWN that microphone. Unfortunately, there is one little snag; Rock Band does NOT smile upon the trained singer. About thirty seconds into the song (usually one I don't know in the first place, as I am completely lacking in my knowledge of rock music) I will begin to notice that the game is punishing me for singing with vibrato. After that I will get thrown off by all the random little riffs and trills that I didn't know existed and am expected to sing perfectly. Meanwhile, I am frantically trying to find my frequently changing pitch and failing. Hard. At this point I start getting looks from the other players, particularly the guy who put me on advanced mode because he was convinced that I would just breeze through it. I shrink beneath their gazes as I choke out another painful, wavering flat, and note that looks of faith have all turned to looks of incredulity. About three quarters of the way through, the game finally decides it can't take it anymore and fails me right the heck out. It is at this point that I thrust the microphone into the hands of the nearest free person and scramble off to hide behind the couch before the disgust rays can hit me. Invariably, I am not encouraged to pick up the mic again after that, and when it is free, I am immediately pinned to my seat with looks of condemnation from every corner of the room. What's worse is that everybody else is good at the vocals, which only serves to kick my incapacitated and profusely bleeding dignity in the head a good two or three more times. Even so, through the painful humility that was forced on me, I had many things brought to light the last time I played, most notably the fact that you shouldn't try to make friends with something if you suck (something I had already realized with things like sports,) but more importantly that Rock Band singing is actually just yelling on a pitch. That being the case, it followed that people who have been beaten senseless with the idea that singing is something else entirely would have an immediate disadvantage. Enlightened, I tried it again, this time using the intended method and--
I still failed, and ended up handing the mic off to somebody else who got a perfect score doing exactly what I had been. I soon began to recognize this particular brand of humiliation as something I have felt many times before and it was then that I realized that it didn't matter how I did it because Rock Band -- like Mario Party, Super Smash Brothers, and DDR-- is a video game and, as dictated by the cosmic forces, I shall always suck at video games, singing or not. Effectively, I am doomed, because while this knowledge is most valuable to me, I unfortunately cannot use it as an excuse, and people shall continue to assume that because I am a singer, I am actually competent at Rock Band, and I will continually be forced into committing social suicide. As a rule, every party I attend is fated to end with me eating nachos alone in the corner while I cringe under the glares of my peers. I think this is another one of the levels of Hell that Dante didn't want to write about; there's more than one way to punish the proud, after all.
This is precisely why I don't go to parties.
And don't get me wrong, I really do like Rock Band a lot, and I have no issues with it being something of a social standard, I just wish it wasn't quite so deceptive as to convince me that I'm actually good at it every single time because it always ends with weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth... And many trips to the corner of shame to think about what I've done.

Thanks a lot, Rock Band, not like I NEEDED that dignity or anything...


MisssRobin said...

Man, what did you do to tick off the video game gods? They are definitely not your friends.

The Erin said...

No idea but BOY have I paid for it.

Steph-a-Neph said...

The next time you are required to attend a party, I will come and be your wingman. We can ultimately fail at RockBand together, kay? And then we can eat nachos in teh corner of shame (Teh corner and I are great friends).