Rendering Futile

In this day and age we are always losing things, especially keys and wallets. It's practically unavoidable. Fortunately, somebody recognized this as a problem and invented this:

This is a device that you can attach to both your wallet and your keys so that you can locate one with the other. It really is quite a brilliant idea for people who are always misplacing one or the other.
Unfortunately, I am not one of those people, and I have lost my wallet AND my keys, proving that most handy inventions are pretty futile if you're a big enough dipstick.
Thus inventing is set back another few years.

... If anybody could find my wallet or keys, that'd be really great. I really need them so I can drive and buy stuff...

A Rising Crop of Superheroes

So, you know how when Bruce Wayne was a kid, he got attacked by a flock of bats that left him with a lasting fear of bats that he eventually harnessed in order to become Batman? Well, after yesterday, I believe that there very well may be four new superheroes, each named "Waspman" in the future. It's just what happens when four kids --ages five and under-- upset a large swarm of wasps. With an average of 14 stings per capita, and three hours of howling to wake the dead, I am adamant that my nephews will some day be wearing tights and fighting crime. There is no other way.
So, Nekoda, Kayden, Jackson, and Zackary, I look forward to you saving me from some giant robot death ray several years down the road. Until then, store that trauma away and let it fester.

That's right... Let this fuel your nightmares.

...
I wonder if any of those wasps were radioactive...

The Nice Voice

Since about the time I hit puberty, many years ago, I have had the misfortune of being severely challenged in the face-to-face interpersonal communication department. To put it quite simply, I am awkward. Speech, body language, the whole shebang; I just don't navigate casual social encounters with other humans very well. Naturally, the fact that I'm aware of my awkwardness manifests itself just as awkwardly, and the result leaves me looking introverted and antisocial to any stranger or distant acquaintance I may come in contact with (of course, good friends can just read my mind, and my parents just smile and nod and frantically hope that some day somebody will want to marry me.) This is bad, considering I have a job where I'm supposed to be able to talk to people and fix their problems. Recently, my boss hauled me in to her office to discuss complaints she's gotten that I have been brushing people off when they ask me questions. We talked about it and finally deduced that I'm not refusing to help, I just don't say anything before going to fix a problem. I also don't make eye contact, and I answer questions in a manner that tends to suggest that I hate everyone. Since I don't want to lose my job, I figured I ought to at least make some effort to come off friendlier, so people don't think I want to kill them, even when I do. It was then that I discovered "the nice voice."

Apparently I have two voices: the first being my normal voice which is deep and calm, and serves its purpose when it isn't stuttering like a motorboat engine. The second is high, cheerful, and inexplicably has a Southern accent. I have no idea why it is like this, but I also cannot do anything about it. As much as I may try, my friendly "customer service" voice continues to address everyone as 'darlin' and slip 'y'all' into the conversation at frequent intervals.

Usually I have some far-fetched answer that I can use to explain this sort of thing, but this time I can honestly say that I got nothing. All I know is that now, whenever I have a friendly conversation with somebody I am not very well acquainted with, I wind up very very confused.
I guess the "friendly" setting on my vocal chords somehow got stuck on "Southern Telemarketer." Typical. You don't use a feature for a while and then when you try to, the programming goes all wonky on you.
Well... I suppose I'd better start looking for the owners manual, or I'll get fired for not taking my job seriously...

Stupid mysterious vocal phenomenon...

How to Suceed in the Music Industry

I've been thinking lately about how Lady Gaga is just about the biggest thing since sliced bread right now (neurotic, sparkly bread,) and I got to wondering what makes her so successful. I mean, besides the fact that all her songs are infectious ear-worms, and she is pretty much the embodiment of every single shiny thing that has ever mesmerized you into becoming a drooling shell of an intelligent human for more than five minutes. I've been analyzing Lady Gaga's music videos, and I have been able to identify one specific formula that she follows pretty much every time. It goes a little something like this:

She writhes


She sparkles


And she makes out with a pile of gay men.


You got that? Writhe, sparkle, and make out with a bunch of gay dudes. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. PROFIT!

Brilliant! The secret to Lady Gaga's popularity, and it's so simple!
I finally understand the music industry now! All you have to do is those three things, and also pretend to sing (autotune can be your friend) and you're on your way to stardom.
Thanks Lady Gaga!



....
Actually... I think that may be why Twilight is so popular as well... Bella does each of those three things at least once throughout the series...
There you go, another mystery solved.